if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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