Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
