For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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