Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
