Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
