I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
