I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
