i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
