There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
