wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
