Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
