My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize