it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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