Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
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As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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