How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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