At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
