I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
