By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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