his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
