a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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