I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
