I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He shit in the fireplace
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
