Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
