What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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