ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
