you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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