This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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