I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
