i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
