I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
