shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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