Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
