She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
