i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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