I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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