Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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