I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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