Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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