you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
