He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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