and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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