I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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