I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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