Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
