this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
