dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
