I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
