I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
