I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
