Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
