hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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