I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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