Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
