The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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