I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
