just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
