So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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