Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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