I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
