Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
