It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
