I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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