You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
