sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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