ugly people sure do ruin things
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
