im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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